Tuesday, 22 May 2012

A Canadiens fan's wish list for the summer of 2012

My expectations for this summer:
1) A grand-slam homerun of a first-round pick, then judicious, inspired picks in the second and third rounds like we used to do, in the vein of Sergio Mommesso and Claude Lemieux and Patrick Roy, followed by a succession of great finds in the lower rounds like Morgan Ellis and Brendan Gallagher and a couple of Andrei Markovs and Jaroslav Halaks. During the broadcast, Bryan Burke fulminates as it appears his tie is strangling him after each of our picks.
2) Another bullseye free agent signing à la Erik Cole.
3) A long lost draft pick or two comes home and contributes immediately, à la Alexei Emelin, 2011′s prodigal son.
4) An overlooked LHJMQ free agent product sneaks in at camp and snags a roster spot. I want a hard luck/feel good story about how he played in the Bayou League for a season, where they have staged alligator fights to rev up the crowds and ‘get ‘em goin’ ‘, Don Cherry style. Bonus points if he’s referred and vouched for by an ex-Hab great. Extra bonus points if Max Pacioretty says he played with him and he’s the second best player he’s ever played with.
5) Colon Campbell’s email account is hacked again, and the rest of the emails are revealed to the public. It’s not good. Implicated among others are Bill Daly, Stephen Walkom, Terry Gregson, Marc Savard’s nurse, Jack Edwards, Dennis Leary, Claude Julien, Zdeno Chara’s wrestling coach, and a group of broadcasters known only as Shoe-B-boy, Mini-B-boy and B-boy-Prime. The US Justice Department investigates, along with the Royal Mounted Constabulary in Canada. The probe widens and includes Jeremy Jacobs, who quickly flips the team to a consortium led by Jean Ratelle and Raymond Bourque. He’s led away in handcuffs at his hastily called press conference to present the new owners. Gary Bettman stridently denies any wrongdoing by the league, and announces that an internal investigation will be conducted by the same firm which did the due diligence on Boots Delbaggio, John Spano, Charles Wang, Len Barrie and Oren Koules. He also states that he is resigning as NHL Commissioner effective immediately to spend more time with his family. Meanwhile, the NHLPA’s Don Fehr holds a press conference with thick binders stacked on his table and on the chairs nearby, on the tables behind him and in boxes on the floor. He picks one up at random and idly leafs through it as he claims his group is ready for the negotiations to begin. Reports out of Toronto claim that a trophy-engraving company regularly contracted by the Hockey Hall of Fame for work on the Stanley Cup has ordered an asterisk punch as well as an industrial strength polisher that buffs out scratches on a silver-nickel alloy. A day later, Gary Bettman is arrested on board a private plane as it taxied for takeoff. A flight plan had been logged for the Turks and Caicos.
That is all.

1 comment:

  1. 6) Tim Thomas announces that he is retiring as an NFL goalie in order to accept a nomination to backstop for the Tea Party.