My wishes for Marc Bergevin's post-Free Agent Frenzy press conference

So my wishes for the press conference:

1) Andrei has accepted a one-year deal. Our defence is now set. Ish.

2) Alex Radulov has seen the lay of the land and has taken a three-year deal at market rates. I will still squawk that I wouldn’t have given him a minute over 2 years, but I’ll learn to live with it, and cheer like mad when he weaves his magic next season.

3) Alex Galchenyuk has accepted a reasonable bridge contract and is eager to prove it on a ‘Prove-It’ deal. It might be the new tattoos, but he looks great and jacked and ready to go.

4) Mikhail Grigorenko and Nail Yakupov are added to our Russian Contingent, on dirt cheap two-way deals that lights a hellacious fire under their underachieving butts. Later at their introductory press conferences, there’s a steely determination in their gaze that makes the rest of the league avert their eyes and quake, at the realization that the Canadiens have added major Top 6 talent with amazing skill. The League conducts an investigation to make sure there was no hanky-panky, such is the cumulative wizardry of our roster on opening night and during the 24-game winning streak, in this age of the salary cap. Finding nothing, Gary Bettman resorts to kicking his dog when he gets home at night. Kicking him more, that is.

5) Pierre-Luc Létourneau Leblond, Alexandre Grenier and Alexandre Mallet for the Laval Rocket, nearly twenty aggregate feet of French-Canadian beef and savoir-faire. Under the adroit tutelage of Sylvain Lefebvre and crew, the three dominate the AHL and are called up, having the same transformative effect on our fortunes that the Mario Tremblay and Doug Risebrough callups had in the 70s. Having various complementary skills on their trio, they end up splitting the Conn Smythe vote, and Shea Weber shoots up the middle and claims the prize.

That’s it. That’s all I can think of, unless,

6) Jaromir Jagr makes good on his promise, that he’s always loved Montréal and wanted to play with countryman Tomas Plekanec all these years, so he’s accepted the veteran minimum deal to make it happen. Two-way. With a season’s pass to the Casino. And he’s going to detail Carey Price’s F-350 after his hunting trips.