Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Alexei Kovalev slams the door on his way out

Alex Kovalev is not the great player he thinks he was.

Alex Kovalev is the kid in the back of the class who is really smart and doesn’t need to pay attention or do any homework and still gets an A-, but all the while he messes around and distracts the other kids and drives the teacher mental.

Alex Kovalev is the diva wide receiver who makes 60 catches for 1100 yards and 7 touchdowns in a season, but lets another 15 passes clang off his hands, who doesn’t block on running plays or when another receiver gets a grab, who argues with the HC, OC and QB about play selection, who thinks the quarterback diverts too much attention from him, and who runs routes half-heartedly when he’s not the primary receiver, and causes an interception when the QB goes from his hot receiver to his second or third option and launches the ball into the waiting arms of the safety, who is camped where the WR should have been. After said interception, said diva wide receiver will make a great show of being furious by tackling high, most likely with a grab of the facemask, and will then stalk back petulantly to the sidelines, kicking turf and hurling his helmet at the bench. He will then be agitated and inconsolable, until the sideline camera is no longer pointed at him.

Alex Kovalev is that insanely hot girl you work with and you wonder why she’s single, and who you end up taking her on a date and you can’t believe your luck, and when you’re sitting down to dinner at your favourite steak house, she goes on and on about this other Italian place this other guy took her to, so you ask her if maybe she doesn’t like steak and would like to go somewhere else, but she says no I like steak it’s just I’ve never been here usually I go to the Keg for steak, and your waitress is standing there while she goes on about the Keg, so you make nice with the waitress because you’re a little embarrassed and want your dinner to come saliva-and-snot-free, but your date gets jealous and defensive and starts treating the waitress like dirt and you very coldly, so that you can’t wait for the night to end and you would bolt and leave her stranded there but you remember what your mom and dad taught you so you tough it out and as soon as you can you bring her back home and give her all the platitudes about how everything was great and you’ll call her but both of you know you won’t call.

Alexei Kovalev is that sullen teenager sitting on the bus with her purse on the seat next to her as the bus slowly fills, with other riders trying to make eye contact with her to silently implore that she put her purse on her lap so that someone else may make better use of that seat, but who resolutely stares off in the middle distance and when, after two or three throat clearings and excuse-me’s, has to be asked point blank with a please and thank you to remove her purse, which she does but with an annoyed expression for the impertinent other rider.

Alex Kovalev is the guy at the gym who uses the squat rack to do biceps curls with a 35 lbs bar. When you ask him to scram, he apologizes that he only has five more sets to go. When you insist that he take his pencil-necked, gym-etiquette-devoid self and go do his, ahem, arm curls somewhere more appropriate, he rolls his eyes and sighs and mutters under his breath as he slinks away. Later when you’re on neutral territory and have had time to take a few deep breaths, you’ll attempt to explain to him that a squat rack is a safety device used when training with large amounts of weight, and not just a convenient way to avoid having to pick up your weights off the ground, but you won’t be successful since he will interrupt and tell you no worries, it’s all good, whatever, no harm no foul, barraging you with passive aggressive hokum instead of listening and entering into a conversation.

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